Good Will Hunting

"The bad things in life remind us of the good things we have not been paying attention to."
Good Will Hunting


I know many of you worried about me last week when I went to the hospital again. But now that I'm out, I see the difference between the hospital and home. the hospital provides a sanctuary where I can be taken care 24 hours a day. There is always a nurse to help me do this or that...and she/he is always eager to do whatever I need done. When I wake up in the middle of the night, there is someone there to talk to, even to listen to my dreams. One night, I was convinced that something had happened and as I told Allison, we both realized I had dreamt it. She was like a mother putting a small child back to sleep in the way she made me feel unrushed and waited "I'm not going anywhere" until I was done.

Last night, David stayed in Goshen with a friend. Cody stayed with his friend. I was going to be alone from 6 p.m. until this morning...and inside, I was terrified. Not that I've ever woken the boys in the night, not that I was afraid I would fall or anything, I was just afraid. I'm afraid to be so sick that I can't get out of bed to use the bathroom. I'm afraid of being a burden to ANYONE. I'm afraid to live like this, but I'm more afraid that I will linger in pain for too long.

When all is said and done, I am an optimist and I try to be present in the moment. I'm trying not to worry about yesterday or fret about tomorrow. But every once in a while, the fear takes over and it's all I can do to hold it together and make it through to the other side.

You should know that Cody did stop in to check on me and see if I needed anything around 10 p.m. I need for him to be 17 and to stay overnight with friends and not be limited taking care of Mom 24/7. And I aaked Melodee to come over early in the evening and she stayed until after 10. She even brought Cherry Garcia ice cream from Ritter's (more on that later). I know if I ask, all of you would come. That's a good feeling for me. But every once in a while, I wish I was 5 years old again, and when I woke up in the night, my Mother would be there to wrap me in her arms and rock me to sleep and assure me that "everything will be fine!"

Thanks for your love and prayers.
Lenette